A New Year: Another Year of Church Attendance...with my children

Ahhh, church with toddlers. It's so relaxing! So spiritual! So uplifting!  Except when it's not. Which is the majority of the time. Church with small children is so hard. So hard.

In my life, I've had a couple crises of faith (yes, I just googled to make sure I spelled the plural of crisis correctly ha), but never in those periods have I straight up lost the desire to attend church. That is, until I had small children. Call me dramatic but it's true. How it's possible that a one hour meeting can leave me feeling absolutely depleted and discouraged by my children is one of the marvels and mysteries of life. And I am not the first parent to ever say, "is it even worth it to bring my children to church?? maybe I should take a 5 year-ish break except for Christmas and Easter ;)"

2017 was a hard year for me in losing the desire to go to church. I will never forget the worst time when we were visiting a ward on Easter, and a lady turned and loudly "shhh'd" my 2 and a half year old. That really has been the only time someone has been rude to me about my kids at church, but it was hurtful enough to want to send me into inactively attending church for who knows how long. I really don't know what I would do if this kind of thing were to happen more than once, because my emotions really are egg shell fragile about it.

But with that being said, the thing that has kept me going is that on all the worst Sundays throughout the year of 2017, there was ALWAYS a tender mercy of someone coming up to me and offering me words of hope and encouragement. Yes, even in that visiting ward on Easter. On a Sunday in our ward now, Victor was giving a talk and the boys were AWFUL. And then I was teaching Relief Society later. And after my lesson, a lady came and said to me "you have had a stressful Sunday." And as she encouraged me, I lost it. I started crying right then and there. Like I said, I am just so overly sensitive about this!

So even though 2017 was a year that I lost my desire to go to church (by that I mean that I do not look forward to church and view it somewhat with dread), I did not stop going to church, and I am better for it.

Sundays are still hard and I admit that sometimes the only thing that has kept me there past the sacrament meeting is the 2 hours of nursery afterward aka a break from my kids. But I see with each passing week the impact it has on my kids, especially my 3 year old. He comes home asking questions and wanting to talk about Jesus. Yesterday he asked me what our spirits are. So even with my 3 year old, I am starting to have pretty great spiritual talks, and that would never have happened if I gave up on taking him to church.

So it's worth it. Hard, but worth it. And I hope this year will get better and maybe a little bit easier? We shall see.

Some Thoughts about Feeding Babies

Something that I have been thinking about for quite a few months now is all the "controversy" surrounding feeding a baby. And the first thought I have is why??? Every few months or so I see articles and videos circulate on the internet about women getting shamed or harassed for breastfeeding in public. One just happened this week in Utah. It absolutely boggles my mind.

First of all, some of these videos are blatantly fake, which bothers me because it's just trying to rile people up. But the stories that are real are so baffling to me, because I have breastfed in pretty much every public place imaginable and have never been harassed about it. Restaurants, museums, airplanes, hotel lobbies, the beach, public swimming pools, church, the car, taxi rides, and many more. And as you can see in the picture (one of my very favorites), I don't like to use a cover because the first few month's of my baby's life were very hot months. But at the same time I do feel that being discreet is important, but where do you draw the line? A baby needs to eat and sometimes trying to be discreet with a hungry crying baby who is still learning how to eat is NOT easy.

As if all of that isn't hard enough, then there's the internal and external pressure women face regarding breastfeeding. The pressure to teach the baby to latch correctly, the pressure to have a great milk supply, the pressure for how long to breastfeed. This pressure caused my a lot of anxiety before I had a baby, and I wish I would have spared myself the stress and known what I know now: that a FED baby is the best kind of baby, indifferent of how that baby is fed.

That being said, I had a very happy and enjoyable 11 months of breastfeeding my first baby. Some of my most favorite memories. I do believe that breastfeeding is preferable, and I don't feel like it's right to not even try to breastfeed before someone says it isn't for them. My viewpoints shifted a lot between my first and second baby, because I had different feeding experiences with them.

When my milk supply went down after about 6 weeks, my second baby was not a happy baby. I didn't know it was a milk supply problem until I pumped to see it was not a lot of milk, and when I gave him a bottle of formula, he guzzled it down. This was after a few very emotionally draining weeks of a fussy baby, while also trying to meet the demands of a 17 month old. It was one of the hardest times of my life, and when I was faced with supplementing with formula, it was an easy answer, because I was willing to do anything to just have a happy baby for my sanity.

It shouldn't be a conflicting choice. At first I felt like a failure that I couldn't get my supply back up, and I worried that people would judge me that I didn't breastfeed for that long, but I quickly got over it when I saw a nice change in my baby that made all of our lives so much better.

So I guess my point is, if you feel inclined to complain about someone breastfeeding in public, or you are afraid to breastfeed in public, or you are stressing out about breastfeeding in general, or you judge yourself or other women for formula feeding: just STOP IT. Just worry about what matters most: snuggling a happy well-fed baby and enjoying those precious months, because way too soon do the become toddlers who are absolutely crazy. I forever cherish those moments of feeding my babies indifferent of whether the milk came from my body or from a bottle.

Motherhood Life Lately: Why I'm not wishing away this stage.

"Have joy in your mothering." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I was in my doctor's office last week perusing a parents magazine where I saw a quote from a mormon mommy blogger I know of saying something to the effect of "now that I have a toddler and a baby, I understand when people say these are the trenches of parenting." It kind of made me sad. Because while there are some challenging moments, I would not call them trenches. In fact, I can say I truly am relishing this time in my motherhood journey, for the following reasons (among others):

1. Both of my babies still nap, and at the same time in the afternoon. Nap for me too. Enough said. 

2. I can take them to the store and they aren't begging and screaming for me to get them anything, which makes me want to get them things haha. I know this won't last forever, so I'm making sure to not take it for granted.

3. They aren't in school, and they are too young to want to participate in extracurricular stuff. I can do whatever I want with them, whenever I want. We can lounge in our pjs for a while, eat a slow breakfast, take a long walk, go to the beach, you get the idea. I love the freedom and I love this time where I can enjoy them and not be on a busy restricted schedule where my other job is a chauffeur. Also I'm selfish, and I enjoy doing all the things I just said. I love being able to plan our weekends not thinking about sports games or stuff like that ha. 

4. They just want my love. I'm amazed at little children. With J especially, I see when I get mad at him for doing something and he's upset about it, that's when he wants me to pick him up and love on him the most. It's a good reminder that they are in such a fragile stage where so much of their happiness is solely based on me just giving them love and making sure they still feel loved even after doing something bad. It sounds like lot of pressure, but right now it is so easy to do that, because they are sweet innocent babies who aren't talking back to me or trying to manipulate me. Not taking that for granted either. 

5. They are just so adorable. I never want the baby giggles to go away. 

So no, I would not say I am in the trenches. I am loving life right now and loving the stages both of my babies are in. As you know, we had a rough go with Dom during months one and two, but things have smoothed out. We have found our groove. Obviously there are moments of frustration, but that's what alone time is for. That's still an important part in my mothering. 

I feel so blessed to have these sweet perfect babies. I never thought mothering would bring me such joy but it does, and I'm just trying to soak up all the good moments, since time really is fleeting. 

Motherhood Life Lately: Journey to a Happy Baby

My beautiful babies. I made them! Oh how I love them. 

So I'll just say that January was a dark month for me. The honeymoon newborn phase was over, and I was left with a very needy, crying, and seemingly unhappy baby. I did not know how to handle it. I had to do things I had never done before with my first baby: things like calling my mom at night in tears not knowing what to do. And usually once a day putting the baby safely in my bedroom or swing and walking out to regain some composure from the frustration I was feeling towards this tiny baby, which would make me feel so guilty. I would look up all types of things to what could be causing the crying. Was he colicky? Should I try essential oils? Is it something in my diet? etc etc etc. Thinking and writing about it now is making me cry again. 

And then you add my 18 month old to the mix. I felt like I couldn't take care of one without neglecting the other. But luckily, J didn't seem to mind all the crying. And he still wanted to love on his brother. He obviously still had his needs and his toddler moments, but J helped me out so much by being a pretty easy going and forgiving kid--who also sleeps through the night which is so nice! He doesn't even know how much he helped me through that time with the love he gave me. Sweet sweet boy. (This of course is forgetting things that happened in the "dark month" like throwing a jar of jam on the baby's head or trying to shove a straw in baby's mouth--both times made me think that Dominic was never ever going to like J because he would cry even worse if he knew J was in the room. oh man.)

Some days were just basic survival mode. The thought of leaving the house by myself with two babies was just so overwhelming to me sometimes. This picture says it all: monster truck videos, with nutella and cookies in bed. Wow. At least he's dressed!

Anyway, I started to feel that the crying and fussing might possibly be because the baby was still hungry. We had some sample formula, and he gobbled it right up. It made me feel awful. I took him to his pediatrician a few days later, and she said my hunch to feed him more was correct, because he was down in percentage for his weight. It's been frustrating to try and make my body make more milk. It's also been confusing and tempting to compare why I never had a problem making milk for my first baby, who was also much chunkier. But mostly it's been liberating, because all I care about is having a happy baby. And if supplementing him with formula is going to do that, so be it.

With my first I had plenty of time to do all the remedies when my milk supply was running low. I'm trying my best, but I'm relieved to know that if for some reason I can't get it up again, my baby is happy with both breastmilk and formula. The only thing that sucks about it is how much formula costs yikes! Luckily my pediatrician is generous in giving me lots of sample cans. I wouldn't have that if I were being seen by a military doctor. Trying to look on the bright side ;)

So here we are now. I feel like we are now out of that dark place. February was on our way out, and now our March and future months are looking bright. I think that's why I feel like I can talk about it now.

Taking both babies to the store doesn't scare me anymore, although it definitely is a lot more work. I've even gone to eat just me and them (they were both asleep in the stroller ha) We go on long walks around Monterey and try to spend lots of time outside, which does us all good. We also are all sleeping much better, and that sure is great. I love taking an afternoon nap with my baby. Chores be damned. My three month old is the sweetest and he now wakes up happy, generously gives grins and giggles, sits contently next to me, but even more contently in my lap--he's still pretty clingy like that. But at least he's not crying when he's sitting in my lap.

So if you made it through my journey, bravo. You may have read it remembering what I wrote a year ago about having an easy baby and thought this was my just reward for saying how easy it all was. I did so myself. But the biggest lesson I have learned with having another baby is DO NOT compare them to each other. That was my biggest mistake and what caused so much of my frustration. It's hard not to, but don't do it. Also don't be so hard on your body if you feel like it's not doing what you want. I'm still working on that one.

Deciding to have two kids 16 months apart has definitely been the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am so so grateful for the satisfaction and fulfillment I feel. Despite the struggles, I am so happy. And they are by far my greatest accomplishment.

What I Learned Giving Birth the Second Time Around

Going into this pregnancy, something that was always on my mind was how and if it would be different than my labor and delivery with my first baby. There were things I was hoping would be different, while other things I had kept reminding myself to soak up certain moments more fully, because that experience and what you learn and feel from it is so fleeting. This time around I learned so much more about myself, and I came to be more aware about the nature of our relationship with the Savior. I had this talk on my mind a lot that night. 

I have had my mother in law here helping with J--it's been such an enormous blessing. I knew this meant that for this labor, I would be facing some of it alone. I really needed her to be there for J rather than try to comfort or help me, so some of the hardest moments were right before going to the hospital when I was laboring alone in my room, knowing that I needed to get through that pain on my own with no help from others. Laboring at home was so much more painful this time since it progressed a lot faster the second time. Contractions were long and intense but thankfully the between times gave me enough relief--even if it was only for four minutes at a time! Watching a Flip or Flop marathon on my ipad and eating Sonic pebble ice was what helped relieve me a little bit and made the time not feel so strenuous so if you're looking for labor ideas there you go haha. 

While I had prepared myself to conquer most of the labor process alone, I also knew that getting to the hospital meant that I would be getting help I could not do for myself, like actually delivering the baby...and getting an epidural ;) So that gave me hope. When I got to the hospital, I was told I was dilated 6cm. I did it! I wasn't turned away and they began prepping me for birth. Things progressed pretty quickly, and by the time the epidural kicked in two hours later, I was already at an 8. So things were still getting more and more painful as they were getting it all ready. 

Something else I learned about myself in this setting is what works best for me as far as comforting goes. I didn't realize it until this birth, but compared to the nurses and doctors at the Naval Hospital where I gave birth before, these nurses were much different in a way that was much better for me. With my first birth, the nurses and the doctor delivering me were kind of acting more like cheerleaders: trying to get me pumped up and motivated to push through the pain. It must have been the whole military mindset. Now I realize that does not work for me, and I think that's why things were harder for me. My nurses at the hospital here in Monterey were more like encouragers. They gently encouraged and talked me through each contraction building and coming down. It was just what I needed. They even coached Victor to gently hold my hand (to keep the IV flowing mostly ha) which was nice, since before I didn't want anyone touching me through contractions. Poor Victor!

I also learned (or had it reconfirmed) how much I loved it just being Victor and I in the delivery room. We were discussing again whether we should have asked someone to come in and take pictures for us, but when it comes down to it, I always say no. Since my mother in law had to stay with our older baby, it really was just the two of us this time, and it was just such a special and sacred thing to just savor with him. I'm still grateful that he was able to snap these pictures though :) Hope you don't mind the kind of gross ones. 

btw click here if you want to read about my first time giving birth

This one is blurry since it all happened so fast--did I mention I only had to push three times in like three minutes and then just like that he was out?? That was awesome!! Since I was more with it this time, the doctor let me reach down and pull my sweet baby directly onto my body. You can be like my mom and sister and say that's gross, but I don't care. It was a surreal experience!

I love this man. He is such a wonderful father!

I just want to end this with these beautiful words which helped me so much. Thank you Jeffrey R. Holland, for ultimately saying what I have learned from all this, and most importantly, helping me feel closer to my Savior Jesus Christ. 

"Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful, heartening messianic words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be—but cannot get without assistance. These words also connote burden, struggle, and fatigue—words most appropriate in describing the mission of Him who, at unspeakable cost, lifts us up when we have fallen, carries us forward when strength is gone, delivers us safely home when safety seems far beyond our reach. “My Father sent me,” He said, “that I might be lifted up upon the cross; … that as I have been lifted up … even so should men be lifted up … to … me.”

But can you hear in this language another arena of human endeavor in which we use words like bear and borne, carry and lift, labor and deliver? As Jesus said to John while in the very act of Atonement, so He says to us all, “Behold thy mother!”

Today I declare from this pulpit what has been said here before: that no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child. When Isaiah, speaking messianically, wanted to convey Jehovah’s love, he invoked the image of a mother’s devotion. “Can a woman forget her sucking child?” he asks. How absurd, he implies, though not as absurd as thinking Christ will ever forget us."

Thanks for reading, if you made it through! And Happy Sunday. 

xoxo Annie

30 Weeks and My Second Baby Worries

THIRTY Weeks. Is it just me, or did that just come sooo fast?!

Here's what the baby bump is looking like these days...

And of course my little sidekick joined me in the photo shoot. 

This pregnancy has flown by because it has been so much easier than my pregnancy with J. Before I was feeling movements, I was seriously doubting I was even pregnant haha. But it's definitely happening. And if I had to describe how I'm feeling, all I can say is this: ROLLER COASTER.

One moment I am so excited and am all, "yeah, I think I can handle this whole two kids under two thing. It will be fun!" And then there are the moments where my baby is exhibiting toddler craziness and I think "WHAT WAS I THINKING." One of my instagram friends has two boys that are 15 months apart and her "advice" was this: hang on for dear life. One of my other friends asked me if I'm prepared to keep two kids alive. My response was that keeping them alive is the easy part. All that involves is keeping them fed. My concern is not losing my sanity and messing them up for life.

But the thing that concerns me most is trusting the fact that I will love both these children equally. Because that is something that I just don't know how that is all going to happen.

When I found out I was pregnant (feels like forever ago!) I remember immediately feeling guilty...maybe scared...that I would love J less because I was wanting a baby so badly. And then in those moments of pure bliss with J--meaning when he is just such a joy, which is way more often than not--I found myself wondering how it is it at all possible for me to love another kid as much as J. He is just such a happy, friendly, easy going, lovable kid, so what if the next kid isn't like that?

And then of course, with J coming into toddlerhood, he definitely has his moments where he tests me and pushes me to the edge, and I'm once again feeling bad that I'm looking forward to a little baby that just does whatever I want and is content to just cuddle on my lap. Like I said: ROLLER COASTER!

With my first pregnancy, I had said that choosing to become a mother was a leap of faith for me, because I was never a baby hungry person who couldn't wait to have kids. I'm feeling like having this second baby is once again a leap of faith but of a different kind. Everyone always says how easy it is to love your children equally, but since it hasn't been something I've experienced, I'm just trusting it will happen. That while I say I hope this baby boy is as easy-to-love as J, I am putting my faith in the fact that I will love him just as much.

I still can't comprehend how it all happens, but I've seen it countless times with everyone I know with multiple children, my own mother included. And I sure love my little toddler, so just going on that, this new baby boy is so loved already.

8 Months and My Motherhood Confession

I know I said my next blog post would be about Kyoto, but I realized I hadn't posted for J's 8 month post! What kind of mother am I?? We had a little photo shoot this morning, and this boy. Such a joy. I just love all his expressions in just a 10 minute period. And I can officially say I've become one of those cliche moms who just keeps saying "how is he 8 months? please time slow down!" I get it now. Him growing up is so bittersweet. 

As you can see, his biggest developments since my last post 2 months ago is that he has two little teeth! And he is starting to crawl. He is being slow about it, since army crawling is so much faster and easier for him at this point. He is entering the mommy clingy stage, but it's only really bad if he is grumpy, which is usually from being tired. He still loves people so much which makes us really happy. We love that he makes everyone feel special when he gives them a smile.

With that being said, there are some things I want to get off my chest about my experience with having a baby and becoming a mother. Something I have been afraid to admit. My confession is this: my experience with a baby has been very easy. I have a very easy baby. 

I haven't divulged much of this info because I have been afraid of inflicting harsh feelings of "rubbing it in" to fellow moms who have not had it as easy as I have. For the past few months, I have read lots of articles and blog posts by women who have had very difficult experiences, and the whole time I think, "wow, it was not like that for me at all." I think it's a good thing that these women are writing their true experiences because the internet can be a very supportive place, but with that it has kind of made me afraid to admit my true experience. But I feel like I need to, because my pre-baby self was so hesitant to have a baby to begin with because of all the horror stories out there. I want to say that things are not always as difficult as the internet makes it seem. 

Here's my confession about giving birth: it's painful and my body was broken. But my body healed very quickly. I was already going out and doing things the very day I got home from the hospital. I was worried that having a baby would alter my appearance. But it doesn't look like I had a baby. My stomach looks just like it did before. I still have some love handles, but it doesn't look likes it's from a baby. I am so grateful for a body that has proven that it is more than capable of doing all that it was made to do.

Here's my confession about breastfeeding: I don't know what I was so worried about. We had no problems at all. Yes, milk coming in hurt at times but not nearly like the pain of giving birth like some women had said. My baby latched and ate correctly from day one and breastfeeding quickly became something I looked forward to doing. Never had the horror stories of cracked and bleeding nipples. This confession is one I'm afraid to admitting the most. Because I know people who have real struggles with it. I'm not putting any judgement on women who choose to not breastfeed, but I am here to say that I personally had/am having a fantastic experience with it and I wish I could have spared my pre-baby self from all that anxiety.

My last confession is about postpartum depression/baby blues: I did not experience it. I had seen one too many Oprah episodes in my high school days and I was terrified of this. I'm no scientist, but I think it's safe to say that you can get a good idea of how your experience will be based on your mother's experience, and I feel blessed that depression is not something that runs in my family. Yes, some days I felt overwhelmed that this was my life now, but overall, snuggling with that perfect baby was pure bliss. I loved the newborn phase and can't wait to experience it again. 

Of course it hasn't all been perfection and I could go into all that, but my point right now is to say that the things I was most worried about before having a baby turned out just fine--if not better-- and you don't need to psych yourself out about having a baby and you shouldn't believe everything you read. I don't take for granted that I have had such a great baby experience. Maybe the next baby will give me a run for my money! But I just want to put it out there in the sea of negative, that there is also the positive stuff. My experience is not necessarily your experience and your experience is not necessarily my experience. 

Feels good to get that off my chest.

And just a few more pictures because I can't help myself! I love him so much.

I'm not a hippie mom, I'm a lazy mom who wants to sleep.

When I look through my pictures on my phone, I have an awful lot of adorable sleeping pictures of my baby. And an awful lot of those are of the baby sleeping in the bed. If it looks like he sleeps in my bed a lot, it's because he does. I guess you can call me a co-sleeper.

Before having a baby, when I heard the term "co-sleep" and "the family bed," I immediately thought that sounded like hippie parenting. And since sometimes I'm not even a fan of having to share a bed with my husband (I want my space!), I said I would not participate in this co-sleeping business.

I posted the link to this post I wrote on facebook. And I got some great feedback that has stuck with me and was a turning point in the way I view my baby sleeping. One of my friend's said, "I'm probably going to regret it later at some point, but I've just been letting my little one co-sleep so that I can get more sleep." And I admitted to her that I'm guilty of that too, as if I should be ashamed that I went back on my word to never co-sleep. But then my other friend said something about co-sleeping that still makes my hormonal self tear up:

"I have never regretted it! All 4 slept with us. And now, as the oldest prepares to leave for college, I would give anything to have those days back"

Since then, I have let go of the guilt I feel when we let the baby come sleep in the bed at 1am. I would feel guilty because the last thing we wanted to do was rock him to sleep for who knows how long, when I could just bring him in the bed and he would almost immediately fall back asleep, just from holding his hand (love that sweet little boy!). And since I let it go, I no longer dread the night time, wondering what the crap shoot would deal me as far as a night's rest went, because sometimes he sleeps great, and sometimes he doesn't, and not knowing would cause me mild anxiety. Sounds silly, but I'm a girl who loves sleep.

The baby starts every night in his crib. Sometimes he stays there and sometimes he doesn't. And right now, it's working for us. It doesn't bother Victor, because he's naturally a big sweet ball of mush who says "I like having my family all in the same room with me," although maybe he's changing his mind now that the baby likes to sleep right up against him while he is already on the edge of the bed ha ha.

And while we are on the subject, I have realized that some of my biggest reasons of why I love breastfeeding so much are because they work great with my lazy parenting techniques. I don't have to do any prep, any cleaning and can do it anytime or anywhere. I also lost the majority of my baby weight just from breastfeeding---no exercise required! Yesterday after baby woke up at 6am ugh, we took the nicest nap together after I fed him in bed while lying on my side. It sounds so hippie, but when you think about it it's because I'm lazy and didn't want to get up and wanted to get more sleep.

Hippie parenting/lazy parenting. Whatever you want to call it, I'm getting sleep and sure am enjoying the extra baby snuggles. Win win.

Babies Don't Keep.

^^this picture was taken about a month ago when I first started this post, and man, he has already changed so much.^^

My easy baby has been not as easy these days and that's been really hard for me. What I thought was a too easy transition into his own room has backfired, and by the end of the day, I just have no more stamina to battle a baby who just wants to be awake. I want to have some time for me, and I want to go to sleep. Selfish desires. 

I woke up this morning feeling so bad how I had behaved the night before. But that's also because I was able to recharge my patience batteries overnight by getting some sleep. After a few failed efforts of baby falling asleep then being wide awake as soon as he was sat down, I found myself googling how young is too young to begin the cry it out method. Judge me if you will, but as I typed it in, it popped up, showing that I am not the first person to google it ha ha. 

So many of my dear friends here have been having their babies, and as I have gone and visited and held those sweet (and not heavy!) babies I can hardly believe that that was me just over two months ago. Two months is hardly anything at all in a non-baby life. And yet just look at my baby now, compared to these little newborns!

These two/almost three months have felt so long, and yet all I have to do it look at pictures of my newborn baby to realize that time is flying. But sometimes days feel like an eternity. It's such a crazy thing. Sometimes I go to sleep feeling discouraged at the daunting thought that I have to do it all again tomorrow. But then morning comes, and my baby wakes up so happy which is just the confidence boost I need to do it another day. 

I guess where I'm going with all of this is that I am trying so hard to cherish these days. And 80% of the time, I feel like I'm succeeding. There's a poem that I heard years ago by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton that has been in my head so often these days that easily helps me put things in perspective. 

"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow

But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep."

I also like to use this poem as an excuse why my house is messy ;)

Anyway, time is fleeting. And I am so grateful for a patient little boy, who still smiles at me and loves me despite my flaws. I hope he stays that way forever.