Friday, May 30, 2014
Hold your tongue and let me whine.*
I hit thirty weeks last week: THIRTY! And by now, it's thirty one. And just like that, a switch went off that has notified my body to make me miserable. I know I sound dramatic, but I feel like these upcoming months are payback for having such an easy first trimester, which is usually what everyone complains about.
Sure, the first trimester had its moments of struggle, but every time I wanted to complain or actually complained to people, or even this blog, I would get the same response. Something to the effect of "Oh, just wait until...." I appreciate the warning, but it makes me feel like I have no right to feel that way or that I'm being a baby.
So please indulge me for this blog post, while I straight up whine!
Don't tell me "oh, just you wait until you milk comes in" after I tell you that I am not liking how big my boobs are getting. Before I couldn't fit in pre pregnancy jeans, it was certain tops and swimming suits that wouldn't fit me in the chest area. It's seriously annoying (the big boobs part, and yes I know I sound ridiculous, but I don't care).
Don't tell me "just wait, you still have 10 weeks to get huge!" when I tell you that I am starting to feel like a whale lugging my stomach (and big boobs) around. The back pain has escalated ten fold, as well as the acid reflux. I now am taking a prescription for it, but man, it sucks. So much so that it was easier to take this picture in my living room rather than get in the car and go somewhere pretty because the car is easily what sets off the back pain the worst. Ugh.
By the end of the day my body just aches. And I've decided to stop teaching my English classes this month because they don't have a/c and it sucks, but more importantly, by the end of my teaching for two hours I am just in pain from bouncing up and down with those kiddos. I know, I know, "just wait til you're pregnant again and you still have to have energy for your other kid, blah blah blah."
I am feeling more anxiety with each passing week as my due date looms closer and closer. Nesting and stuff helps get me excited. But I don't think I will ever be completely ready to be a mother. It's just a leap of faith that I am having to take. And I confess, while I dread labor and delivery, I kind of am dreading the whole newborn package more: sleep deprivation, painful breast feeding, post labor healing, etc. This is when I hear some person in my head say, "oh but enjoy the beautiful newborn stage! Because just wait until they're a crazy toddler, crazy child, crazy teenager, blah blah blah." I know! Thus the whole statement that I am not ready to be a mother!
Well, that feels good to get off my chest.
But besides the complaints I currently have, my point is that the phrase "just wait until..." is not helpful. I think people are trying to be helpful, which I can't blame them for, but at this point, what good does it do? I'm in it for the long haul. Boarded the train and there's no getting off.**
So thanks for listening! Any advice or comfort appreciated, or do you feel like you can't, since all you want to say is what I told you not to say?? Ha. Well, go ahead if you must. I'll still love you.
*blog post title from my favorite first line of a poem ever: The Canonization by John Donne
**taken from another favorite poem: Metaphors by Sylvia Plath