30 Weeks and My Second Baby Worries

THIRTY Weeks. Is it just me, or did that just come sooo fast?!

Here's what the baby bump is looking like these days...

And of course my little sidekick joined me in the photo shoot. 

This pregnancy has flown by because it has been so much easier than my pregnancy with J. Before I was feeling movements, I was seriously doubting I was even pregnant haha. But it's definitely happening. And if I had to describe how I'm feeling, all I can say is this: ROLLER COASTER.

One moment I am so excited and am all, "yeah, I think I can handle this whole two kids under two thing. It will be fun!" And then there are the moments where my baby is exhibiting toddler craziness and I think "WHAT WAS I THINKING." One of my instagram friends has two boys that are 15 months apart and her "advice" was this: hang on for dear life. One of my other friends asked me if I'm prepared to keep two kids alive. My response was that keeping them alive is the easy part. All that involves is keeping them fed. My concern is not losing my sanity and messing them up for life.

But the thing that concerns me most is trusting the fact that I will love both these children equally. Because that is something that I just don't know how that is all going to happen.

When I found out I was pregnant (feels like forever ago!) I remember immediately feeling guilty...maybe scared...that I would love J less because I was wanting a baby so badly. And then in those moments of pure bliss with J--meaning when he is just such a joy, which is way more often than not--I found myself wondering how it is it at all possible for me to love another kid as much as J. He is just such a happy, friendly, easy going, lovable kid, so what if the next kid isn't like that?

And then of course, with J coming into toddlerhood, he definitely has his moments where he tests me and pushes me to the edge, and I'm once again feeling bad that I'm looking forward to a little baby that just does whatever I want and is content to just cuddle on my lap. Like I said: ROLLER COASTER!

With my first pregnancy, I had said that choosing to become a mother was a leap of faith for me, because I was never a baby hungry person who couldn't wait to have kids. I'm feeling like having this second baby is once again a leap of faith but of a different kind. Everyone always says how easy it is to love your children equally, but since it hasn't been something I've experienced, I'm just trusting it will happen. That while I say I hope this baby boy is as easy-to-love as J, I am putting my faith in the fact that I will love him just as much.

I still can't comprehend how it all happens, but I've seen it countless times with everyone I know with multiple children, my own mother included. And I sure love my little toddler, so just going on that, this new baby boy is so loved already.