I gave birth the day the world shut down

 

Well, I had a baby! Since my unintentional blogging gap I managed to grow an entire human, give birth, and now he’s 5 months old! I have written my other two birth stories pretty quickly after, so I need to get this one down before I forget. Each of my birth experiences have been so different, and to be honest I thought and was hoping this one would be like Dom’s which was my favorite birthing experience, but alas it was not so, and as I remember things in hindsight, I realize how many tender mercies took place, since I gave birth on March 12, the day the world (or the USA at least) shut down because of Covid 19. 

To backtrack a little, Victor was gone the last 2 months of my pregnancy: working on a project with a team at the Pentagon. They said he could come back for the birth, but were asking for a date when he could come back. I was so annoyed, thinking “well tell them my due date is March 12, but my body does what it wants, and don’t count on that at all.” But sure enough, that’s the day he came, and all that stuff of trying to get Victor back to DC didn’t matter anyway since by the time the baby arrived, everyone working on the project was told to finish it from home. 

My amazing mother in law arrived 2 days before my due date, and the day before while both boys were in school, I had the inspiration to go get pedicures together—a tender mercy of sorts since by the time I got out of the hospital, there would be no nail salons open anymore haha. But that was nice to do with her. And then that evening, my amazing friends in my ward had a little “baby sprinkle” for me. When they asked if that day was cutting it too close to my due date I replied “don’t worry, I know I’ll go over so it will be fine.” 

Then the next morning was my due date appointment. The hospital was starting to set triage tents up outside for the impending virus spreading in the USA. It was starting to feel weird. At my appointment, I strangely had a high blood pressure reading, which I never had before. They decided to send me up to labor and delivery just to “run some tests,” which I thought nothing of. But the doctor came in and said “we could do all that, but it’s your due date already, so let’s just induce you to be safe.” 

That was not the kind of labor I was expecting or planning for, and I was not prepared, and once the induction process started, I frankly was angry that it was happening this way. The pain started quickly and strongly, the iv was placed somewhere weird and made it very painful and irritating. Normally when I labor at home first, I can move around and take a bath and shower, which I couldn’t do. And sorry to not be g rated, but I was so sick of the invasiveness of getting my cervix checked and then the breaking of my water, that when I told the nurse a few hours later that I felt pressure and pain and she offered to check my dilation, I said “I don’t want any more hands up my vagina!” But I let her and sure enough, it was time to push. 

The doctor came in to have me start pushing and joked “so what are you going to name him? Covid?” And I was too out of it to realize “Covid” was the new name for the coronavirus, so I just ignored his bad joke while victor gave him a courtesy laugh ha. Can you tell I was not in a very good mood? 

Pushing was hard and took a little longer than with Dom—about 20 minutes. (Which still isn’t bad, I know.) But then there he was, and all the physical pain from contractions and the wonky epidural was gone, as was the emotional stress I had been feeling for most of the afternoon. Those first moments meeting my newborns are pure bliss—the closest thing to heaven. It’s surreal and euphoric. 

I did skin to skin for a long time. I snuggled with him while he cried—he was pretty dramatic, and then I fed him as well before we decided to finally see how much he weighed. He came in over 10 pounds! Such a shock to both of us. 

My mother in law brought both the boys the next morning. J should have been at school—unknowingly it turned out to be the last day before schools shut down, and sometimes I feel sad he never got to go that last day, but then I remember he got to do something other siblings of Covid births didn’t get to do: actually come to the hospital and have those amazing first moments of seeing their new baby. So I realize now that that doctors decision to induce me was full of tender mercies like that. And since my blood pressure was only high that one random time, I think that it was possibly divine intervention as well so I could have the baby when I did, and not a week later (like I usually am), when things truly were so much different. 

We got to come home on Saturday and then hunkered down! Our quarantine and “self isolating” was probably something I would have done anyway, but “staying safe at home” never felt more right than with a beautiful sleepy newborn to snuggle with all day. 

We are so grateful for this precious gift from God. We named him Mateo Jeffrey Castro. His middle name is after my dad. And we are all smitten with him, especially his older brothers. A little too smitten, but I would rather have that than have them not care! We just are so so thankful. He’s the best thing to happen in 2020, hands down! 

 

30 Weeks and My Second Baby Worries

THIRTY Weeks. Is it just me, or did that just come sooo fast?!

Here's what the baby bump is looking like these days...

And of course my little sidekick joined me in the photo shoot. 

This pregnancy has flown by because it has been so much easier than my pregnancy with J. Before I was feeling movements, I was seriously doubting I was even pregnant haha. But it's definitely happening. And if I had to describe how I'm feeling, all I can say is this: ROLLER COASTER.

One moment I am so excited and am all, "yeah, I think I can handle this whole two kids under two thing. It will be fun!" And then there are the moments where my baby is exhibiting toddler craziness and I think "WHAT WAS I THINKING." One of my instagram friends has two boys that are 15 months apart and her "advice" was this: hang on for dear life. One of my other friends asked me if I'm prepared to keep two kids alive. My response was that keeping them alive is the easy part. All that involves is keeping them fed. My concern is not losing my sanity and messing them up for life.

But the thing that concerns me most is trusting the fact that I will love both these children equally. Because that is something that I just don't know how that is all going to happen.

When I found out I was pregnant (feels like forever ago!) I remember immediately feeling guilty...maybe scared...that I would love J less because I was wanting a baby so badly. And then in those moments of pure bliss with J--meaning when he is just such a joy, which is way more often than not--I found myself wondering how it is it at all possible for me to love another kid as much as J. He is just such a happy, friendly, easy going, lovable kid, so what if the next kid isn't like that?

And then of course, with J coming into toddlerhood, he definitely has his moments where he tests me and pushes me to the edge, and I'm once again feeling bad that I'm looking forward to a little baby that just does whatever I want and is content to just cuddle on my lap. Like I said: ROLLER COASTER!

With my first pregnancy, I had said that choosing to become a mother was a leap of faith for me, because I was never a baby hungry person who couldn't wait to have kids. I'm feeling like having this second baby is once again a leap of faith but of a different kind. Everyone always says how easy it is to love your children equally, but since it hasn't been something I've experienced, I'm just trusting it will happen. That while I say I hope this baby boy is as easy-to-love as J, I am putting my faith in the fact that I will love him just as much.

I still can't comprehend how it all happens, but I've seen it countless times with everyone I know with multiple children, my own mother included. And I sure love my little toddler, so just going on that, this new baby boy is so loved already.

Cape Manzamo at 39/40 Weeks

My mom is here! And it's my birthday tomorrow! And actually, it's my due date tomorrow too. Wowzers. My mom has been here for a little over a week, and it has been pretty great being able to play with her before baby comes. Despite my belly that slows me down, and my mom tearing her ACL and meniscus just 3 weeks before coming, we have been having lots of fun. 

^^ick I look like a whale! but ny husband sure looks handsome^^

I seriously can not believe I am hitting 40 weeks. I feel like this pregnancy went by so incredibly fast, and yet when I look back, I do feel like I have been pregnant for such a long time. I still need to pack a hospital bag, and we still need to put the carseat in the car, but even then, I don't think I'll ever feel completely prepared.

This will most likely be my last bump post. It's kind of bittersweet. It's fun and pretty miraculous to look back at how my body has grown a baby. Pretty amazing. Hope you've enjoyed the journey with me!

Summer Days at Cape Maeda (37 weeks)

 Full-term, baby.

I love Cape Maeda, but visiting it on this crazy hot day with no plans to get in the water was torture. That water was perfect! Everyone else already had that idea, as you can see in the picture with all the boats and the hoards of snorkelers and divers.

Basically these days if my plans don't involve going to the pool or swimming in the ocean, then I am usually at home with my cranked up air conditioner. I feel like all dining establishments and stores are being stingy with their air conditioning so I like to order my food to-go so I can enjoy it from my own house. Classic cranky pregnant woman at its finest.

So, in other words, it's HOT!

But I'm doing good, and still soaking up this summer and these last precious weeks of freedom with my husband ha ha. Okinawa sure is gorgeous in the summer. Hope you have a great week!

xoxo Annie

Our Town (36 Weeks)

This weekend, Chatan town had a big summer festival at the beach just down the street from our house. That meant we got to enjoy fireworks every night this holiday weekend. That meant I was very happy, because I love fireworks. The festival was fun, but we didn't really stay long at all because it was just so hot and humid. But it sure was a beautiful weekend. You would never guess looking at that sky and calm water that a typhoon of death is on its way. Send a prayer our way, ok? Mostly that we won't lose power so I won't have to be without air conditioning ha ha. 

An attempt at a 36 week bump shot with the fireworks. I really feel like this week I got much bigger. Like one night my skin just was aching, and I got up the next morning looking so much different (in my own view).

Here's some pregnancy tidbits, if you care to know :)

Swelling: One morning this past week, I woke up and just like that, my wedding rings were just too small. My feet are a little swollen too, but I feel like it's probably because the heat and humidity really spiked this week.

Stretch marks: Haven't had any. I've been using cocoa butter, but I'm learning it all doesn't really matter. You either get them or you don't. I've just had a slow and steady weight gain, so maybe that helps? But side note, I love the way cocoa butter makes my skin feel.

Pregnancy must haves: All I can think of right now is my zantac and tums (life saver for acid reflux!), my little pillow I take in every car ride, movie, and church for my back, water, and my super helpful and patient husband.

Baby's size: my doctor is guessing that he is right around 5.5 or 6 pounds. So he still has some time to grow.

Hints of labor: just braxton hicks contractions, but not very frequently. I feel like I still have plenty of time, or that he might even go a little over. I hope I am right, because due to the typhoon this week, if you are 37 weeks or more they want you to go in and wait out the typhoon at the hospital (in uncomfortable conditions) just to be safe. I'm like 4 days shy of 37. So once again, pray that nothing will happen, so I can just wait out the typhoon in my own bed. Please and thank you!

So, there you go. Hope you had a great weekend!

Fukushuen Gardens (32 Weeks)

The Fukushuen Chinese Gardens is one of my favorite spots here in Okinawa. It's a serene and beautiful place nestled right in the bustling capital of Naha. I've been wanting to bring Victor here for a while now because it's such a beautiful place, and also because I knew he would love feeding the carp and all the turtles that get so excited to see you hovering over the water....and I was right, he did love it ha ha) 

It was an afternoon well spent. The weather was perfect (the heat and humidity are coming) and the magnolia trees were all blossoming: they smelled heavenly! 

 ^^this pigeon knew how to schmooze Victor to get some food. they became good friends ha^^

 And I think this picture is awkward but I still kind of like it ha. But it's an accurate depiction of how Victor is always touching my belly. It's sweet.

Some fun belly info:
Now that there is no denying that I'm pregnant, random belly touchings happen now, and honestly, it doesn't bother me like it does some people. People are just being sweet and excited for me, so why should I be annoyed about that?

The first time it happened was when I was at a Japanese convenient store with Victor and the cashier said to me "baby?" When I said yes, he just reached across the counter and patted my belly. Victor and I both got such a kick out of how a grown man has no shame in wanting to touch a stranger's pregnant belly. We love Japan for that reason. They LOVE all things baby. We love we get to experience having a baby in a culture that loves them so much.

Hold your tongue and let me whine.*

Oh hey. It's been a while. I am still alive. Just chilling here growing a baby.

I hit thirty weeks last week: THIRTY! And by now, it's thirty one. And just like that, a switch went off that has notified my body to make me miserable. I know I sound dramatic, but I feel like these upcoming months are payback for having such an easy first trimester, which is usually what everyone complains about.

Sure, the first trimester had its moments of struggle, but every time I wanted to complain or actually complained to people, or even this blog, I would get the same response. Something to the effect of "Oh, just wait until...." I appreciate the warning, but it makes me feel like I have no right to feel that way or that I'm being a baby.

So please indulge me for this blog post, while I straight up whine!

Don't tell me "oh, just you wait until you milk comes in" after I tell you that I am not liking how big my boobs are getting. Before I couldn't fit in pre pregnancy jeans, it was certain tops and swimming suits that wouldn't fit me in the chest area. It's seriously annoying (the big boobs part, and yes I know I sound ridiculous, but I don't care).

Don't tell me "just wait, you still have 10 weeks to get huge!" when I tell you that I am starting to feel like a whale lugging my stomach (and big boobs) around. The back pain has escalated ten fold, as well as the acid reflux. I now am taking a prescription for it, but man, it sucks. So much so that it was easier to take this picture in my living room rather than get in the car and go somewhere pretty because the car is easily what sets off the back pain the worst. Ugh.

By the end of the day my body just aches. And I've decided to stop teaching my English classes this month because they don't have a/c and it sucks, but more importantly, by the end of my teaching for two hours I am just in pain from bouncing up and down with those kiddos. I know, I know, "just wait til you're pregnant again and you still have to have energy for your other kid, blah blah blah."

I am feeling more anxiety with each passing week as my due date looms closer and closer. Nesting and stuff helps get me excited. But I don't think I will ever be completely ready to be a mother. It's just a leap of faith that I am having to take. And I confess, while I dread labor and delivery, I kind of am dreading the whole newborn package more: sleep deprivation, painful breast feeding, post labor healing, etc. This is when I hear some person in my head say, "oh but enjoy the beautiful newborn stage! Because just wait until they're a crazy toddler, crazy child, crazy teenager, blah blah blah." I know! Thus the whole statement that I am not ready to be a mother!

Well, that feels good to get off my chest.

But besides the complaints I currently have, my point is that the phrase "just wait until..." is not helpful. I think people are trying to be helpful, which I can't blame them for, but at this point, what good does it do? I'm in it for the long haul. Boarded the train and there's no getting off.**

So thanks for listening! Any advice or comfort appreciated, or do you feel like you can't, since all you want to say is what I told you not to say?? Ha. Well, go ahead if you must.  I'll still love you.

xoxo Annie

*blog post title from my favorite first line of a poem ever: The Canonization by John Donne
**taken from another favorite poem: Metaphors by Sylvia Plath

Happy Golden Week, and Happy Third Trimester!

It's Golden Week here in Japan. This week is a combination of festivals and holidays, the big ones being Children's Day and the Dragon Boat Races that take place all week. My favorite part of Golden Week is all the carp streamers you see everywhere, which is in celebration of Children's Day. Today for our Sunday walk, we walked down to the Hija River, where all these carp streamers across the water are such a fun sight to see. 

Aaaaand my bump is definitely growing! I can't believe I am going into my third trimester. I try not to think about how in just three months I will be in charge of a baby, because if I did, I would probably give myself a panic attack. I just take it one day at a time, and in the meantime, I'll just enjoy the sweet kicks of baby boy. I'm not really enjoying the back aches and acid reflux, which have both flared up this week. Seriously, I pop tums like candy. It's kind of annoying feeling limited by my body. I'm not used to it. But then I remember that I am growing a whole new person, so that's pretty incredible.

So, Happy Golden Week! Love you all.